Over and over again I hear different people tell me what a good job I did in growing a beautiful baby in my uterus. As if I had any way of genetically engineering the gorgeous, giant baby my ex-boyfriend and I created. I can’t help but be amused by this. I mean, honestly! What all did I do?! I did the deed with the man I loved more than anything in this world and my baby was the product of our union. That’s just how I see it. I didn’t plot or plan or scheme in any way. I didn’t have any say as to whether or not Grant would get my nose or Brent’s eyes. Oh sure, I admit that once I was pregnant I started wondering what my baby would look like. And I hoped (sometimes aloud) that my baby would get my hair and Brent’s bone structure—ironically, it’s looking like my wishes have come true. But still! Wishing something doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. It doesn’t guarantee I’ll have a gorgeous and perfectly healthy baby.
I think any mother can agree that whatever child comes out of her womb will be gorgeous in her eyes, no matter if he had three arms and a fish tail. *snort* Thankfully, that didn’t happen. But you know what I mean.
I love my boy more than anything else in this world! That’s why I decided to adopt him out. I can’t tell you how troubled I was when I discovered I was pregnant. I was troubled because I knew that I wasn’t going to marry Brent just because I got knocked up. Besides, I couldn’t. I only discovered weeks before that he was still legally married to someone he’d briefly dated years ago and had taken a quick trip to Vegas with. (Ugh!)
But I was also troubled because I’d always had the belief that a baby deserves the best. Any baby—no matter whose baby—deserves to have both a mommy and a daddy. A child deserves to be raised in a financially stable environment where he’ll never go hungry. A baby deserves to spend time with his family and not a daycare all the time. And granted, a lot of times these things can happen in a child’s life, but I wasn’t going to subject MY child to this when I knew he could have so many more wonderful opportunities with another family--one that could provide all this and more.
Most importantly, I wanted my baby to grow up in an emotionally healthy environment. And if I had chosen to keep my baby and raise him on my own, he would have been raised in a very unhealthy environment. I myself am only just getting myself out of that environment, and I’m almost 34! It’s just obvious to me that it’s not fair for a child to have to deal with that crap.
Also, it may sound selfish of me to say, but by adopting my child out I am able to focus on myself more. I need to heal from the drama that I’ve been living through these past few years. It’s too complicated and personal to go into detail here, but trust me when I say that it is necessary… no, vital to my emotional, physical, and mental well being for me to focus on me more. And maybe one day in the near future, when I’ve overcome the demons that plague me, I will be able to move on and finally have the family that I’ve always wanted to have. Who knows. I can only hope.
(Me holding the apple of my eye.)
I was directed to your blog by LeAnna...I am also a birth mother...and can I just say what an awesome writer you are? I've only read a few posts but they are great! And to this one: I can relate completely. My journey began 20 years ago and I chose adoption for my son for the same (almost word-for-word) reasons. I was 20 years old - single, no family support, struggling financially and spiritually and no education to obtain a decent job with. Co-parenting with the birth father would have been a nightmare on top of it. I knew then and I especially know now that a child DOES deserve a mother and a father in a stable and spiritual home environment. My love could not be enough even though it felt like I could fill the grand canyon with it a million times over. That love is why I placed him. I sacrified my needs for his. Now I do have that family I dreamed of and it was worth the wait. My adoption was and is still closed so I have only a few baby pictures to cherish - until recently. His mother sent a letter and current picture of our son through our agency and it has been so helpful for my peace of mind! He's so handsome - and looks nothing like me. bummer. But am I ever grateful for that kind gesture from his Mom and I love her so much even though I have no idea who she is. My prayers were answered; he is with the family meant for him even though it kills me to admit it. I'll keep reading your posts and if you ever want to talk to me ask LeAnna for my info okay? Take care, Dana
ReplyDelete*gasp!*
ReplyDeleteDana, I'm totally blown away by your comment! Thank you so much for reading my blog and sharing your thoughts with me! I can't tell you how much that means to me. Please feel free to follow my blog and tell everyone you know about it. I just want people to know that it's not all taboo, ya know? It's real life. Thanks again! And I'll have to thank LeAnna, too. :)
Leila Said,
ReplyDeleteYou've done good. I think it means more than just growing the child. That just happens on its own, like it our not (as I suffer from indigestion and the inability to bend), after the deed. :) You've done good because you have made the right decision for Grant, even though it must be one of the hardest things you will go through. Plus that is one of the worst labor stories I have heard - and that is all about you.
You have done good.
Thanks Leila. :) You've always had a way of making me feel better.
ReplyDeleteCan you believe that I miss you?