Sunday, July 19, 2009


They sent me photos! And he's smiling. SMILING. When I opened up the email this morning and saw that sweet face smiling back at me I gasped out, "oh my gosh," and immediately started crying.

I hadn't realized that I'd never seen him smile before. I mean, really smiling, not just a newborn grimmace. No, this kid is SMILING! And I just melted. I guess it just hit me that I hadn't seen any sort of expression on his face before. Before, it had been just alertness and mild curiosity, but mostly he'd sleep. Now there's more than that!

It's exciting and wonderful and sweet, and I love seeing that his facial features are just as expressive as mine are. And he's the most beautiful boy in the whole world!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Feenin' for Photos

It’s been almost an entire month. AN ENTIRE MONTH. I’m seriously feenin for more photos of my boy but all I’m getting is disappointment ever time I log in to my email account. And I log in at least three times a day.

This rejection sucks.

Who doesn’t take pictures of their baby?! I mean, c’mon! [*taking deep breaths*]

You know, just the other day I was wondering if I was a bad birth mommy for not missing my baby every waking minute of the day. I wondered if I should be crying myself to sleep every night, staining my pillow with my salty tears and growing more and more bitter by the day. But it’s just not happening.

In fact, I’m not thinking of him nearly as much as I used to. No, no, don’t get me wrong, I still think of him every day. I’ve even put a framed photo of him on my desk at work so I could gaze at his glorious beauty when I have the time. It’s just that I don’t obsess over him. Not anymore.

I don’t wonder if he’s loved because I know perfectly well that he is. I don’t ask myself if what I’ve done is right because, again, I know perfectly well that it was. And what really bugs me is that I don’t dream about him. Nor do I dream of
the child-birthing experience, as traumatic as that was.

What I do
wonder is what he’s doing right now. I wonder what it’s been like for him to sleep, eat, cry, and poop in a place that is not near me. I wonder if it’s blazing hot with humidity, because I know that the summers in Missouri can be rough. I wonder if he’s heard the hum of the cicadas. I wonder if he laughs yet. I wonder if he still makes that amazing squee noise I once heard him make when we were in the hospital together, or if he’s stopped making squee noises altogether. You know, like he’s grown out of the newborn-infant-squee phase and has moved on to bigger, more mature phases like bawling-his-eyes-and-lungs-out-when-he’s-hungry types of phases.

And I know I’m not the only one who’s curious!

I just wish I could hear more about him. And I know his family is busy with their lives and what-not. But it’s just so hard when they’ve obviously fallen into their own routine WITH the baby and I’m still trying to live my life WITHOUT him. I miss him so much sometimes that it physically hurts. And all it takes to cheer me up is a photo or two. *sigh*

In the meantime, I wait. And yes, I’ve sent an email stating that I want photos. I’m not afraid to be selfish like that. It was in our agreement when I let them adopt him.